Sometimes a small casual meeting can have so many side-effects… and long-lasting ones. Like the prime motif of Beethoven’s ‘fur elise’, that’s playing on my soundbox rite now… the simple little touch and its equally soft responses that this piece so beautifully incarnates… my mind takes me back to that moment… when we shared some whispers, floating in the atmosphere and covering us from all the side, as if hiding us from the world for those intimate moments, those soft little whispers, and their responses… those gazes, touches… smiles. Our body is so full of music, only one should know how to play it.
The obvious query comes up to me, kisses me and says “Hail Rabbi” when I know all it wants is my crucification on the frozen wall of time. Is it love? Do I really need to answer? The impotence of words in explaining and defining the innermost feelings is an issue I keep on complaining about all the time. Then why not this time? Somebody asked me, what do I want to come out of it? I said, ‘Nothing.’ Do I really need anything else to come out, except the pure bliss, the nectar of which has filled me allover… and I’m brimful. I know it’s all very romantic, one can argue about the reality side of it… what is the future? And is it really feasible. I know, an open relationship seems like a mirage to most of us, and we? Two commitment scared souls have found a unique manifestation in this relationship… even if this is a mirage (which, bye the way, I guess every relationship is) then this one is a beautiful one.
My hand has always been full of pearls, of distinct shine, texture and colour. There have been times when a pearl or two has rolled down from my lousy hands… and their shadows have rolled down from my eyes at those moments…watery shadows. Every such shadow has written a testimony for my emotional attachment, and more, for the regular and most natural of all human habits- to hold on. Somewhere, interestingly enough, we all are also scared of this habit- of holding on… of being possessed, being owned… being caged! But at the same time, human beings have got so accustomed to acquiring everything through power that they are also always insecure about these things being snatched away in the same way… and this is where words like relationship, commitment and marriage come in. So the result is a society where an emotion becomes inept to be defined unless it falls into any one of these conventional norms.
When I was born, I had no name… a piece of soft flesh… with a hue of the beauty of the world, a drop of innocence and a little ignorant soul was all I had (sometimes, really, ignorance is bliss) with only one relationship with the physical world… of breath… of hollowness (exhaling) and fulfillment (inhaling)… 23 years later, I share the same relationship with the world (though now I share a name too, the water is all contaminated, and the soul has turned into an arrogant one.), of hollowness and fulfillment. Interestingly, one leads to the other. The only refuge is… if you believe me, the moment of a kiss. That is the only moment, when the hollowness and fulfillment get interspersed with each other, loosing any distinct character which can separate them in any possible manner. Perhaps it becomes possible, because at that moment… you share yourself with someone else… and stand as one. So you share someone else’s hollowness and vice versa. For me... all beauty of life lies in that one moment… the moment of sharing… the moment of unification… the moment of pure bliss…with nothing behind… nothing forward…
Whenever people ask me, what Z is for me? I say… Z is that moment of pure bliss for me…that moment of sharing… that moment of togetherness!
When was the last time you did something without a reason? When something deep inside you compelled you to look at the surrounding things… and smile… without getting any physical gain from it? When was the last time… after getting completely tired after a hectic day, you’ve waited to meet someone… and stayed awake all night? If life was a human, she would’ve lived in all those moments… those precious moments. And then there are people who make every moment equally precious and cherishable. Yes, we are remarkably different people, with different opinions, different points of view and different aspirations about just anything under the sun… but when we are together… we share them… even the differences… and that’s the beautiful part. I have seen the darker sides of that ‘carved’ body and Z has seen that my ‘kissable’ lips have venom too… so it’s ‘all said and done’. Yes, life is a series of discoveries… and tomorrow is uncertain. I won’t claim that this is what I’ve always been looking for... and all that shit… actually I’ve never known what I’ve been looking for… but yes, some right button is pressed… and some beautiful thing is initiated…don’t know what destiny keeps for me… but until this discovery is on… I have things to look forward to… and I’m keeping my fingers crossed….
About Me
- ankush gupta
- Wherever people act out of a prematurely fused, muddy communion, every action is conventional: every relation that such confusion leads to has its own convention, however unusual (i.e., in the ordinary sense immoral) it may be. by Ranier Maria Rilke in letters to young poet
1 comment:
Here i am at long last with my long overdue reaction to your breathtaking, not to mention mind-boggling outpourings. What can i say, nothing i am capable of thinking can come anywhere close to your infinitely beautiful expressions.
I am overwhelmed to say the least. All that passion, all that intensity, all that eloquence, all that sincerity - leaves me awe struck.
Yes it is awe - never in my wildest dreams did i imagine for even a moment that somebody could speak such volumes and so remarkably too, of such an unremarkable creature as myself.
The nagging thought is that is all of this justified? What have i done to deserve such tender dedication, such sweet devotion?
You swept into my life like a gust of pure unadulterated air and filled up my senses and lifted me to another level of existence altogether. You make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me jealous (yes there u have it), you make me exasperated, you make me happy, you make me sad, you make me complete, you make me feel so special, you make me afraid, you make me proud ... and i could go on and on into he endless abyss of cyber space.
So mismatched, yet so perfectly in harmony, so different yet so alike. I can't even begin to appreciate some of your greatest passions in life. You don't have an inkling of some of mine. And yet we don't even fit the traditional definition of being exact opposites.
Where do we go from here, what lies in store for us, is there a future, do we share a destiny? All questions we dare not analyse. But is there really a need to do that? For what we have going in the here and now is so special that i feel blessed enough that i am able to experience something like this. Even if it were to end at this instant, it would remain with me for the rest of my existence. So let it flow, tomorrow doesn't matter as long as we have today in our hands.
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