Rewind

Rewind...


...and as I stood there... I realized that something inside me was melting. I saw the smoke rise up, expand, and dissolve into the atmosphere. For when it was nowhere to be seen... I felt it was all around me. The cigarette in my hand was still red and grey. I gave it a last kiss, and the hollowness of my body got saturated by its breath for a moment. The smell of tobacco was tickling my nostrils. I searched my packet, just to reassure myself that this was the last one I had. Like a good bye kiss, which is never the last one till you part- I blew the smoke again, slowly. My fingers fiddled with the little bud, shivering with the evening chill, and as I walked back... I hid them inside my pockets, attempting to give them the warmth, they had never known before they touched you, the warmth- they were always going to miss.

***

It was funny how we goofed up with the airport. This has never happened to me before and I am quite sure never ever to you... or has it? Anyways, we were quite lucky to come here early, weren’t we? Why? Imagine us arriving when it was time for your flight to leave and discovering that we are at the wrong airport and that the ‘right’ one is an hour away... though honestly, I would’ve loved it. After all it’d have meant us spending more time together. Truly, it’s been so long since I saw u last. You can’t imagine how I have waited for this chance to be with you again... to talk to you... to touch you, or maybe you know more than I do, and just never spell it out for me.

So we also get a chance now to have a ride to the other airport together. As you ‘try to’ haggle with the auto-driver over money, and quite predictably end up agreeing with what he had quoted earlier, I stand there, admiring your ‘impracticality’. Sometimes I simply love the auto-drivers for their perpetual deficiency of CNG. As the driver gets down at the gas-station, I look at you... this is the ONLY moment I have, and I miss it... we don’t kiss... but did we really need to... I kissed you the moment I saw you today.

The airport doesn’t allow people inside after a point... and as you stand on the counter asking me if I’d like to have some coffee... I look at you, and a glass house comes alive, all around us, isolating us from the rest of the world.

You left... and I kept looking at you, till my eyes failed to spot you anymore, for when you were nowhere to be seen...I felt you were all around me... and as I stood there... I realized that something inside me was melting.

***

Lajpatnagar was busier than I had guessed it’d be. Agoraphobic I may not be, but I am surely not a crowd-lover either. The winter morning wasn’t pleasant at all. The sun was obdurately scorching, and the air was humid. As I waited for you, so many things came to my mind. Our initial plan of going to a hotel and having some sex seemed a little impractical though, considering how little time we had before your flight. And anyways, getting into a hotel for an hour or so seems a pretty embarrassing idea to me. Do you remember how nervous I was when we did something like this... that was our first time after all. I think I still remember the name of the hotel, do you? However, as I saw you, in that black shirt, smiling as you waved at me, holding all those shopping bags... I kissed you standing there... far away, yet so close, and so many memories knocked at my door. As if life took a full circle and came back to me, with all it had snatched away two years ago. Memory is such a boon... and such a curse.

Do I remember what we talked about as we walked around the streets? I don’t think so... no really, apart for my notorious status as a careless listener I do have a habit of switching my ears off when my imagination works... all I remember, and that too ‘cause it encouraged my imagination, is that we did talk about our old plans of going to your village... seeing all the places where you spent your childhood, your house, your fields, the lake where you used to swim, the tree you used to climb... everything. As we were talking, I imagined all of it happening... in front of my eyes... sometimes, how we miss being a part of someone’s life, being able to see someone grow up... do all sorts of things- not necessarily the smart and good stuff... but all the little silly things... I saw you doing them, and it was so beautiful. We could have been so good together; it was funny how we goofed up.

***

Your calls are never a surprise, considering somewhere at the back of my head, I am always expecting them. So when you called that evening, as I was relaxing in my hostel room, after a very steamy sex session, my first reaction was that utter excitement of sharing my experience with you. And as I went on and on about how raunchy I was and how in all this time I have ‘grown’ up sexually and about all my casual encounters, you were patient as always... listening to a child talking of how he has learnt to make words from alphabets, when unknowingly he had already read Shakespeare... just never understood it. And then you disclosed that news... of your arrival, and a brief rendezvous that can be fixed... for a moment, I just didn’t know how to react? Were you lying or was it true... two years I have been craving for this day. I’d surely have to miss a class for that, but that’s such a small sacrifice. I can’t believe that with such little currency I can buy myself such extreme pleasures. In a state of ecstasy... I forget the words I had just learnt to make, and the only word that my mouth painstakingly utters is ‘where?’ your reply follows... ‘Lajpatnagar.

***

They were always going to miss us.... these streets, the coffee house, which you so aptly called ‘the glass house’... as there we sat, talking about just everything under the sun, secluded from the world, yet very much a part of it. Looking out, and commenting of things around us, forgetting for a while, what a miserable part of it we were. Enjoying how are lives were a direct confrontation of so many things around us, and mourning over the same. My struggle with myself had started in those days, and there you were, sharing your life with me... what a wonderful relationship it was, like ash and smoke... together, yet so far away.

As I handed you a silly little rhyme as a parting gift, I realized how weighty sometimes a little piece of paper can be. You were there; in front of me... it was the same turn where we used to part every day, and yet it seemed to be such a strange turn today, as if I didn’t know where I am supposed to go from there. The moment was filled with strange feelings... which words do not have the capacity to define. We just kept looking at each other. We knew this was our last meeting for a long time... you were about to leave. We really missed by a year, didn’t we? Had we met before, you wouldn’t have married, and we wouldn’t have been in such a situation? But now you are married, and you have a daughter... and a life that I don’t want to complicate further. But that doesn’t change the fact, that we do love each-other... that what we share is so special...and that life may take a thousand twists and turns, but whatever we have shared with each other is always going to stay as a part of us. We could have been so good together; it’s funny how we goofed up. As we hugged for the last time... melting in your arms, I was scared somewhere... how are we going to continue this? Talking to you was a ritual to me. How am I going to survive without it? You left... and I kept looking at you till my eyes failed to spot you anymore. The city was never going to be the same for me... and life too... if it wasn’t for you, and your calls.

ankush gupta